It’s been a while since I last published an open letter about how I feel. Mostly, I would create travel related contents in this blog. Tonight, I’ve decided to write something personal and deep. I’m dealing with anxiety about my future. I know it’s a common thing for most adults but yeah, I just want to write it down.
Back in 2018 was probably the most challenging part of my life. The months of April – June became the craziest roller coaster ride. Early in May 2018, I was getting tardy to come to work and I wasn’t getting enough sleep at home either. I started feeling bad about myself, started thinking about many things in life. It was when anxiety started to say hello.
There were lots of things that affected my life at that time. Surely, not a single thing any adult wouldn’t have experienced. But there’s a reason why people are made different. It’s because we handle things differently from each other. I handle my shit pretty sloppy and I’m not proud of it but hey look I’m still here! I’m still fighting.
Doing preventive measures
After the doctor diagnosed me of depression, I went on 2 months vacation leave from my full-time job in Manila. No work, no travels. Just a few months to relieve myself with my family and loved ones. Eventually I got better! I had a few therapy with my doctor and finally things went back to normal. So it did, at least that’s what I thought.
Anxiety keeps waving “hello”
I came back in Manila with a stronger personality, braver than the girl a few months before. But you see, it doesn’t end there. I realized that problems won’t stop. It will always be there to knock you down.
Comes mid-year of 2019. I met a lady I adored so much. She became one of my inspirations for blogging and freediving. But then again, life is pretty funny. Everything went down and I started receiving hurtful accusations from her. I started to degrade myself again, even questioned my capabilities too. It was rough but I had to keep going. My freediving buddies mostly helped me to come back up on my feet again. And so I did.
Realizing that anxiety is part of my life
Now, I’ve come to realize that anxiety and depression comes and goes. I thought that once you learned to fight it, it won’t come back to bug you again. But that’s just another joke in life, isn’t it?
Realizing that anxiety is part of your life doesn’t mean that you accept your life is miserable. No. It means that you are braver now than ever to have accepted that life is gonna keep throwing rocks at you but you choose to fight back. Accepting anxiety is not wrong. But accepting you’re defeated is.
Here’s something you’ve probably heard a hundred times already, but I just want to repeat it. Life is never gonna stop to have problems. You’ll always get them whatever you do. It’s practically part of our lives. But! The good new is, problems plays a vital part in us. It makes us stronger than yesterday, braver than ever and feistier than ever.
The real reason of my anxiety nowadays..
So why am I feeling this anxiety towards my future? Is everyone going through the same shit like me? Or am I just weak? Is it right that I am being vocal about it? Or should I just shut it and get over with it.
I have all these thoughts inside my head.. but I’m having a hard time gathering the right words to say..
You see, I fear time. It’s just going too fast and I still have lots of things to do. So short in time but lots of dreams to achieve. It makes me sad that my dreams of traveling hinders me from securing a beautiful future. I want to go to so many places and never stop wandering in this world. Never stop exploring, never stop freediving.
The thought of having kids, settling down and a married life scares every bone in my spine. You see, I want to be a parent but I’m scared to bear kids. I want to have a partner who will love and take me forever but I’m scared to be a wife. I’m scared that I will never ever be ready. And what scares me most is to see the absolute disappointment in his face.
How am I currently dealing with anxiety?
I’m dealing with anxiety by expressing my feelings truthfully and wholly to my partner. I’ve been telling him everything I feel. He knows how freakin’ sensitive I am because he practically knows everything. I started being open to him and I realized that it really helps. Believe in me when I say it lessens the pain because it really does.
It doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not. There will always be a friend who will want to hear what you have to say and will never get tired of hearing it. God never gets tired of all my shit. Thank you, big man!
By the way it’s currently 2:02 am right now and I’m about to finish another open letter that gets me freaked out whenever I hit the publish button. I think that me being vocal keeps my anxiety at bay. Me being able to share my feelings to my readers keeps me stronger. I would love to hear your story! I’m always available to chat if you need a friendly stranger. You can reach me in my personal email at firstname.lastname@example.org. 🙂
So what now?
Dealing with anxiety is not a joke. I have mentioned in my previous open letter about depression that anxiety and depression takes people’s lives. You can start saving lives by being good with your words all the time. Remember that someone might be having a really bad day and all they need is one person who will give them reason to smile.
So what now? I’m being vocal with how i truly feel. Wearing mask and pretending is not going to help. Being true to yourself will. It’s not wrong to voice out that you’re weak. Telling people that you need help is probably one of the bravest actions you’ll ever do.
Now, I’ll continue where I dropped off. Doing the necessary preventive measures, taking time to rebuild myself again and continue to live. If I stumble in the road again? I’ll just repeat the cycle and keep fighting.
I personally find this page on Facebook really helpful. Especially to people dealing with depression. Mental Health Awareness provides beautiful advises everyday. Feel free to boost your day with caring words to fill in your news-feed. Check them out!
You may want to read a few effective solutions by HealthLine’s suggestions to cope with anxiety. These are very truthful words that can help you. Read here.
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